highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
