Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
