um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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