how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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