She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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