can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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