I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
