Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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