You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize