I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
