WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
