Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
