i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
