Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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