trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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