Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
