I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
