let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
