Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
