I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
