god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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