my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
