Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
