my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
