If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize