So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
