my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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