I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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