Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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