a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
