Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
