And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
