I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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