Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
