I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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