The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
