your room smells of hookers.
And success
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
