When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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