Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
