I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
