Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
