all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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