Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think my vagina is haunted
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
