You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He shit in the fireplace
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
