I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
