Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
