whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
