I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
