and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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