Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
