i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
