So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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