I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
