I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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