I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
