A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
