3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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