i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
