i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
