I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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