If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
